Saturday, August 25, 2007

A Stitch In Side Saves Nine

Today, during my walk, I actually RAN for three whole minutes! And then did two whole pull-ups! And I haven't eaten fast food in like four weeks!

America's Next Top Male Model, here I come, as soon as you exist, and as soon as I can do a hamstring stretch without falling over.

I'm in some pain right now. Why am I doing this, again? Oh, so I won't hate myself. Got it. Among other reasons, of course.

***

You like the little asterisk ellipsis thing? Signifies a change of subject. Gonna be doing that from now on, when I remember to and when I give a shit about whether a given blog makes any sense.

What is it about housesitting that makes me want to have loud dirty sex? I guess it's the shock of unfamiliar surroundings. Plus the possibility that a friend's cat will be watching you. And then you and the cat will have a secret that your friend can never know. CAT SECRETS.

Every time I agree to housesit, I can't help but get the thought in my head. I haven't actually done this, ever, and I know it's more than slightly inappropriate; I only even mention it here because the friend in question told me, in these words, "feel free to nail chicks here while we're gone." If it's okay to do it, it's okay to think it, and it's even okay to blog about thinking it.

Thinking about it is probably as far as I'll get. I'm mostly using the house as a second living room with a better cable plan. So far I've watched 40 minutes of Lawrence Of Arabia on on-demand, and gotten the shit scratched out of me by Younger Of Two Cats, who's lucky he's such a cutie-wootie-pants with adorable little white booties on his deadly slicey ninja feet, or I probably would've thrown him out the window into traffic by now. If anything in the preceding paragraph sounds sexy, please send me a message so that I can apologize to you.

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Friday, August 17, 2007

This Is Interesting, I Promise

[I had never heard of this label, I don't like any of these bands, none of the names mean anything to me, and I STILL could not stop reading this article until the end. A truly horrific depiction of life at an "indie" record label, and the music industry in general. I'm reposting it because Victory Records' legal team keeps getting it taken down, and I don't often have the opportunity to fuck the Man. I'll write about my haircut or something tomorrow, I promise.]



THE HORROR
By Ramsey Dean

Music industry veteran Ramsey Dean's venture into the heart of darkness reveals that the independent, compared to the large corporation, isn't always the lesser of two evils.

"Everyone gets everything he wants. I wanted a mission. And for my sins, they gave me one… It was a real choice one. And when it was over, I'd never want another."
Captain Willard – Apocalypse Now

I watched the news boards lit up again: Reuters, AP, The Times, Yahoo, and every rag in the entertainment biz:

"Due to recent events we have decided to leave Victory Records. Our departure is anything but amicable. We have decided to leave Victory in part due to the actions of the man who sits at the head of the label, Tony Brummel. Tony Brummel is a man that cares more about his ego and bank account than the bands themselves…"

It was the beginning of a two-page statement from the band Hawthorne Heights, the independent success story of 2005. They were seen as a pleasant group, playing unpretentious pop-punk and the idols of 14-year-old girls everywhere. But that was just appearances. Behind the glare of stardom lurked the torture that anyone who'd been out to Chicago knew all too well.
The statement continued:

"Why did they (Hawthorne Heights) sound so happy in that interview??? Like being in an abusive relationship we let certain things slide as we were afraid, as many of the bands on Victory are, to stick our neck out for fear of being "beaten," in this case represented by the threat of not being promoted as has been the case with certain bands on the roster. We're done being abused."

"It is impossible for words to describe what is necessary to those who do not know what horror means. Horror. Horror has a face. And you must make a friend of horror."

We'd all seen Brummel threaten people, both physically and, his favored form of communication, e-mail. In person he wasn't intimidating. He didn't appear to break 5'7" and I doubt he weighed in over 150 lbs. To compensate for this, he inked up with a bunch of tattoos including the cobweb on the elbow and "Victory" tattooed on his forearm and across his back as if it were a gang sign. Something by his own admission, he did within the course of a year when the hardcore bug hit him. To further project the image, he was a skinhead, which he shaved almost daily to obscure his receding hairline. The remnants of a chubby childhood still lurked in his face and his belly, leading me to believe his bullying attitude was programmed many years ago at the hands of a schoolyard oppressor. Brummel was a Chicago native. He liked to boast that he didn't go to college, but in fact, he dropped out after the first semester. I think he said he never went because of his distain for anyone who made it through. It was the same with his own musicians. The more they broke through, the more hostile he grew toward them. He'd started as a singer in a band, but his artistic efforts were denied, depriving him of the spotlight. The label he started in the wake of this failure, Victory Records, was at best a vindictive dream against those who rejected his creativity.
The physical threats were usually delivered via e-mail or the phone; sometimes to the more diminutive or aged, like the computer consultant or the old landlord, in person. "You better watch out, I'll kick your ass, motherfucker!" he'd scream, his Midwest over-enunciation giving the swear an adolescent twang. "I'm a hardcore guy! You better respect me!" was often added on, as if the reputation of this dejected genre preceded him.

"He was obeyed, yet he inspired neither love nor fear, nor even respect. He inspired uneasiness. That was it!"

Just about every interaction turned into a crisis, with him yelling, threatening and screaming in a frantic rage that the sky was falling. It didn't matter if it was a label head or an intern; but the kids there couldn't see what I saw: he was just trying to mimic what he'd heard about David Geffen, Irving Azoff, Walter Yetnikoff and the other icons of the business. He wanted their legend as much as he wanted their fame. Instead of a bulldog, the label mascot should have been a parrot.
Technology put him in arm's reach of everyone and he wore his Blackberry like a six-gun. The whole company down to the receptionist was outfitted with one, which they were expected to nurse 24/7, and he fired at will, straining their relationships outside of work with his never-ending need for attention. The messages reached for vehement vitriol, but were received by the office and the industry, as nothing more than colicky complaining.
20 e-mails a day from him was considered a slow day. The broadcasts were constant, starting before six AM and continuing all through the night. Brummel complained of insomnia, even naming the Victory Records tour "Never Sleep Again" after his condition. Employees would often wake to a barrage of messages from him, demanding to know why they weren't responding.

From: Tony Brummel
To: Staff
I have a meeting to prepare for and now I am pissed off and aggravated. I took a 15 second shower, threw on my clothes and am wet because of this. I do not care if anyone feels this is petty. I am pissed off about this. It is childish and ridiculous.

You guys are driving me nuts. I am going to start writing people up for being ignored. I am tired of following up on my following ups. Obviously, you guys are playing some kind of game against me.

Are you trying to drive me fucking crazy on purpose????

HAVE YOU LOST IT OR DO YOU PEOPLE THINK I AM A MORON??? I NEED PEOPLE HERE THAT HELP ME!!!!

MOVING FORWARD I AM ELIMINATING PROBLEMS AND FRUSTRATIONS. I CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE. I NEED PEOPLE HERE THAT ARE PART OF THE CAUSE. AND THAT DOES NOT MEAN CAUSING ME PROBLEMS, HEADACHES, FRUSTRATIONS AND MORE E-MAILS.

I HAVE NO PROBLEM WHATSOEVER WITH HAVING LESS PEOPLLE HERE IF THAT IS WHAT IT COMES DOWN TO.

THERE ARE PLENTY OF PEOPLE HERE JUST DOING ENOUGH TO SKATE BY AS IT IS.

When I send a message it is very important that you respond to it and do so in its entirety.

I do not have the time to follow up the way that I have to! If I have to follow up I will have to start writing peope up. I need help to get the company to the next level. I want to win and I am going to! I hope that all of you have the same goals and desire.

I AM GOING TO BE EVALUATING MANY THINGS OVER THE COMING WEEK. THERE WILL BE SOME CHANGES COMING. I ALSO FEEL THAT MANY OF THE MESSAGES THAT I SEND ALL OF YOU ARE PASSED OVER, NOT READ, NOT ACTED UPON AND RIDUCULED. That is not acceptable. If you think that I do not know what I am talking about then why be here?

They were endless; a constant stream of threats, castigation and abuse. Why would an employee go through that? Much like the bands that dream of stardom, music aficionados will sacrifice to get into this dying business, enduring hellish conditions just to get closer to that dream job at a record label. Brummel knew that, exploiting it to the fullest and riding roughshod over their dreams.

"There is no way to tell his story without telling my own. And if his story is really a confession, then so is mine."

It was no accident that I go to be the caretaker of Anthony K. Brummel's memory, anymore than being in Chicago was an accident. I was no angel. Kind of like Henry Hill's "I always wanted to be a gangster," I always wanted to be a record guy. I knew what it was going in, but I was attracted to the lifestyle and, so I thought, the money. Out of college it seems like a great idea. I lived off of open bars and hors d'oeuveres for years (alcoholism was considered a natural cause of death in this business) and owned thousands of CDs, none of which I paid for. But now, as the business slid into its death throes, we were dropping like flies. Nobody expected to retire from this line of work.
In a lot of ways it was like the mafia. It was controlled by a small group of families (Universal, Warner, Sony/BMG and EMI), it attracted the dregs of the society, we always had backstage passes, drugs and strip clubs were practically in the job description, and it seemed corruption was our main function. Corruption in the music business is really a company's only edge. A hit song is nothing more than a collective opinion and more often than not, the last thing that formed that opinion was the music. Hits are made by controlling the avenues of exposure. A radio programmer could tell you the song isn't good and you'd have to say, "How can I make it sound better?" Since they survived on our ad dollars (the big picture) it was an offer they couldn't refuse.
I'd started my career at an independent marketing company back in New York. Outfits like these are popular in this business; they serve as middlemen for things a major corporation wouldn't want direct ties to. My first job was rigging the Billboard Top 200. Best Buy was one of my best relationships. The peak of my career was getting AC/DC to 3 on the Billboard chart when they should have been closer to 30; my work earned me my first platinum record. From there it was just one scam after the next. You get numb to it after a while. I felt guilty when I sold a promotional copy of a CD; but I was making $150 a week. It was below minimum wage but the company's scam was that I was a "consultant". Quite the title for someone who was an intern a week earlier; and an intern who had already graduated college at that. I was actually losing money working for them, so to even it up, I started dealing some of the CDs on the side. Selling promos was even like dealing drugs in the Mafia: Everyone did it, just don't get caught. When you find out later none of the money is going to the artist anyway, the guilt goes away. I was just getting over on someone who was getting over on me.
I was in sales & distribution, just one head of an eight-headed snake. Eliot Spitzer was trying to cut off the radio promotion head, forcing the labels to plea bargain on payola. But it wasn't going to do much. The bright side was that, much like the mob, we were also in our twilight. The glory days were long passed and wouldn't be coming back. The business had been shrinking since the mid-90's, with the CD reaching saturation. Other, more advanced, entertainment options like video games and the internet turned music into background noise for most people. The days of idols were gone. Even the groupies disappeared. Now there was the digital dilemma, or maybe it was the digital coup de grace. We all knew it was coming, we just didn't want to do anything else. This business is more of an addiction, but it was becoming harder and harder to stay tweaked. Like a bar brawl on the deck of a sinking ship, we were more concerned with beating each other than finding a way to survive.
The advent of the digital age condemned the model we operated on. The record business was run like the Carnegie Deli. We sold you more corned beef than you wanted on your sandwich. And we charged you for it. Maybe you only wanted one or two songs, but we made you buy the whole album, and every deli in town was the same. Now there would soon be more iPods in circulation than the top selling albums of all time. And they were being filled not with the nine songs of chafe we were making our margins on, but the singles, for a mere 99 cents. Unlike the advent of the LP, 8-track, cassette or CD, the digital download meant people would be buying less chafe.
Tony made a very public battle against iTunes, firing off one of his infamous e-mails, refusing to sign up for the service unless he was given special treatment:

From: Tony Brummel
To: Steve Jobs

Music consumers would look at your (Apple) tactics as worse than those employed by the major record companies. I am surprised that Apple operates in such an authoritarian manner when its public image is that of a company run by creative types. This "take it or leave it" stance is anti-entrepreneurial, anti-creative and anti-American...My staff and my artists are asked every day why Victory's content is not on iTunes. When the explanation is given, people understand why we are not in business together. In fact, it bothers them. The power of word of mouth is undeniable, especially in the age of the Internet. It may take awhile to resonate but when it does, people typically react accordingly.

He thought that by holding out and publicly castigating Steve Jobs for not having the music of the "1 Independent Rock Label" they would most certainly bend over backwards for him. In a classic bit of egomania, he followed by sending around an editorial to his own statement, which he again circulated.
The peculiar thing was his affection for Steve Jobs. At one point he bought everyone in the office New Balance sneakers, which he insisted they all wear as a sign of cult-like solidarity. He'd heard Jobs did the same thing at Apple, buying all 100,000+ employees a pair. He seemed to believe that with the right footware, Victory could be the next Apple.
Any time he fired off these impotent rants, we were all required to forward them to our contacts and forward all responses immediately. Invariably, responses were light and the rest of the day would be cluttered by e-mails from him, deriding my contacts for not being moved to words by his latest piece.

"I was going to the worst place in the world, and I didn't even know it yet."

The day Hawthorne Heights sent out The Real Manifesto, I'd been trying to forget I'd ever worked at Victory, particularly since I'd left Manhattan for the job, but later that day I got a phone call. I'd be getting a subpoena. I thought it odd when only a few hours later the thing came; but this one was for another former Victory band with unfinished business, Taking Back Sunday. Things were getting interesting. Taking Back Sunday was Victory's largest band, who managed to bail out and go to Warner Brothers. They'd now join Hawthorne Heights in their claims of malfeasance.
The phone rang all day. Tim Smith, who managed Atreyu, the company's third biggest band said they'd hired Marty "Mad Dog" Singer, a Hollywood lawyer with an A-list of clients that included Arnold Schwarzenegger and Catherine Zeta-Jones. Atreyu's accountant turned up over $700,000 in unpaid royalties and they wanted answers. "Expect a subpoena if it goes down," he said. I was starting to feel like Joe Valachi, the wiseguy who revealed the secrets of the Mafia to a grand jury. It was true, there were millions in squandered royalties buried in the Victory books. And I didn't just know where the bodies were buried, I was the grave digger.
Hawthorne Heights hired attorney Rhonda Trotter of Kaye Scholer. She was also a big gun who'd won a case for TVT Records, my former employer, where reneging to TVT on a Ja Rule album turned into a $135 million judgment against Universal, and then-President, Lyor Cohen. Brummel knew they were serious, and the lawyers gave him a chance to settle quietly, but he was like a serial killer: Murder was fun, but he lived to see his deeds in the newspaper, even when it cost him. Instead of coming to the table, he instructed his lawyer to dismiss the entire claim as "frivolous," knowing it would launch a wave of publicity. As the adage goes, any publicity is good publicity. If there was a contest for Worst Boss, he'd want to win just for the press. Victory Records was his long lost band and his ticket to stardom, and like any tabloid star, he needed controversy to keep his long lost fame. I received many calls that day; Brummel was the kind of guy who made enemies faster than he made money. The swell of schadenfreude was overwhelming: bands, industry people, ex-employees; all hoping Victory would be blasted like the Bismarck this time. Tim said other bands were lining up to get their due. Thursday and Hatebreed, two other bands that since moved on to major labels, were considering similar action. This was the Victory way of doing business. Brummel saw it as part of the indie D.I.Y.(Do It Yourself) ethic. The lawyers were thinking of a more familiar term: R.I.C.O.

"He's out there operating without any decent restraint, totally beyond the pale of any acceptable human conduct."

Victory had quietly known success in the past, taking more than a year to break artists that start-up urban labels could accomplish in a matter of weeks. But Brummel had a thing for hardcore, and despised the way the "Jiggy" people, as he often called them, were able to turn a hit so easily. He perverted the hardcore ethos of "being in it for the long haul," "fighting the good fight" and it being "a way of life" to workplace slogans, ironically to satisfy his capitalist ambitions. In addition to the brow-beating e-mails that the staff was barraged with during the day, they were asked to stay late. The 6:00PM e-mail of "I'M STAYING LATE, WHO WILL STAY LATE WITH ME???" was common, a transparent equation he'd worked out where the more hours a salaried employee worked, the less he was actually earning. I was once ambushed at 9:04 with "YOU'RE LATE!!! WHERE'S YOUR SENSE OF LEADERSHIP???" finding out things like grace periods were considered a sign of "weak" companies. Like schoolchildren, doctor's notes were required when sick, employees would be "written up" and even sent home when they made him "frustrated," he would withhold compensation when he felt it hadn't been "earned" and he even charged employees, right on their pay stub, $1.75 per week for coffee, something he felt he shouldn't have to pay for.
There were also cult-like rules: only current Victory music could be played in the office and that employees weren't allowed to associate with ex-employees. He took Caligula's "Better they hate me, so long as they fear me" approach to management. Each morning employees were required to stand before him for their "daily measurements," a process where they would need to recite the accomplishments for the previous day and what they planned on doing today. He would flippantly belittle and editorialize at will, and then ask that what was said be typed up and sent to him, it seemed only so he could further pick apart the words. It was a redundant exercise because each employee was also required to file and End of Day report (or as we affectionately called it, the End of Days report) where again the accomplishments of the day were listed and the evening could be spent bouncing Blackberry messages as everyone tried to justify their existence.
Although Brummel was newly married to a ravishing French woman, Delphine Pontiveux, he would often work until the wee hours, where is activities included reading through employees e-mails and confronting them when he found personal messages; he had even fired a few people upon discovering they'd referred to him in an unflattering way. We clued in the newbies on the more fascist policies just because the constant firing and hiring was another major drain on company resources. Why Delphine was attracted to him was a mystery, particularly since she said her first impression was his striking resemblance to Nazi SS commander Heinrich Himmler. Delphine's presence was stunning, imported as she was, but it appeared this acquisition ended up was just like all the other mis-matched Robb Reports items that cluttered his life. After approximately three years of marriage they had failed to have children, casting even more doubt on the validity of the arrangement.
I recall one of the first times I was called to his office to witness one of his fits. To see him in his office made him seem even smaller: behind a desk that was, I'd estimate, fifteen feet across by six feet deep; he'd sit in a corner of the monstrosity, beneath two computer monitors the size of large flat panel televisions. I'd find myself looking under his desk to see if his feet could touch the ground. He was ill that day. Snot ran recklessly out of his nose to distraction, as he yelled, "I won't let you be subjected to this sort of treatment! My God, they have to know that Ramsey Dean was the one that did this!" He was referring to a promotion for a punk rock endcap I'd set up at Best Buy, the music industry's top mover. Our distributor, RED, was trying to take credit for it, when really all it took was a phone call to a long time associate over there to put the program together. I didn't think much of it, shenanigans as usual, but he hadn't been there before and he felt persecuted.

"And if he'd pulled over, it all would have been forgotten.
But he kept going. And he kept winning it his way."

"…Tony was more upset that we had told the press that he actually wrote the letters (not us) because he was more worried about "rumors" surrounding Taking Back Sunday and Thursday's exoduses being justified than the credibility and reputation of his current biggest band… Our situation with Tony Brummel is indicative of issues that all the bands on Victory Records encounter on some level or another. We have decided to remove ourselves from the negative situation so that we can continue to do what we love best…"

People in the industry questioned if it was a ploy by Hawthorne Heights to parlay their success into a deal with a major label, but "rumors" was a polite way of addressing the mountain of evidence that could easily be uncovered. How many bands had Brummel lost? All the top sellers. Hatebreed was first to bail. Thursday followed Hatebreed when they'd had it with Tony. Taking Back Sunday and Atreyu managed to escape in the last drama-filled year, and now Hawthorne Heights was jumping.
How many employees had he lost? There was me, the sole VP at the company. Heather West, Director of Publicity; who walked out when she reached her limit. Same for Stephanie Marlow, head of Marketing. Jason Deal, the I.T. guy, got into it with Brummel when his wife developed pregnancy complications and needed to be hospitalized. I remember Brummel shouting the day before he whacked him: "She's the one in the hospital, what does he need to be there for? I"ll destroy him!" Then there was Katie Robinson in Marketing, where his unwelcome advances such as "If I weren't married, I'd be with Katie," disturbingly seemed that her consent in this relationship wouldn't be optional. A few months earlier a promising young Long Island band, Bayside, hit a patch of black ice out on a highway in South Dakota. The van rolled, breaking the back of bass player Nick Ghanbarian and killing drummer John "Beatz" Holohan. It was the most difficult time we went through there. Beatz was the kind of guy who reminded us we were also in the business of making dreams come true. Tony quickly signed another Long Island band called The Sleeping; his great idea was to run ads with the tagline "Your Heart will stop Beatz-ing." Katie walked out in disgust: "I was tired of working for a Wizard of Oz who makes threats while hiding behind a Blackberry."

"Tony is a man whose greed knows no bounds. After selling more than 1.2 million copies of The Silence In Black and White and If Only You Were Lonely, we have never seen a single dollar in artist royalties from Victory Records. Tony will claim that we have not "recouped," a term used by those in the music business which means the label has spent more money in advertising than has been made by CD sales. In fact questionable accounting practices are the culprit and we are in fact owed substantial amounts of money much like audits from Taking Back Sunday, Thursday and Atreyu have uncovered. Despite earning more than $10 million, we've yet to see a royalty."

They earned more than that, but after over 15 years in the business, I'd heard this song before: the successful rock star claims he was screwed. It happened all the time. There was an equation in the music business for royalties: Once you start earning money faster than we can spend it, you'll get paid. Paying royalties is like throwing money out that could be buying the one thing this industry worshiped, market share. This business was driven by charts, unit sales, airplay, and anything else you could measure yourself by. Marketing costs (marketing, advertising, parties, lunches, etc.) can be charged back against the band's royalties, so the thinking is that it's better to spend the money on promotion, where it greases the wheels of the machine, than pay the artist their cut.
The thinking at Victory went beyond that. Even if the bands did sell faster than we could spend, we found a way to spend it, and for one reason: not to promote the band, per se, but the Victory brand. Brummel's contracts, which he wrote himself, were a myriad of draconian deals that egregiously cross-collateralized: a frowned-upon term used in the industry where the more stable streams of revenue like publishing and T-shirt sales, are funneled into the forever money-losing area of CD sales. Printing T-shirts can be like printing money in this business. Stores like Hot Topic would order thousands, filling the Victory war chest with additional marketing ammo. Instead of paying bands, he saturated channels like Fuse and MTV, buying all the advertising he could with their money, all touting the greatness of the Victory brand. He even took out infomercial-type blocks of time, appearing like the Ron Popeil of punk rock. Everyone knew the money was dirty, the stores that sold our stuff might as have been selling conflict diamonds, but they didn't care where the margin came from.
Tony did sometimes recoup and pay a small royalty, but it was smoke and mirrors, pennies on the dollar. He would tell a band they were re-couped, and start throwing a few bucks their way, but the big checks never came. It was done mainly to say that if they were at a major label, they wouldn't be recouped, but at Victory, they were that much closer to that dream check. But it never came.
And if success shined on any band, so came the scorn and eventual falling out. Bands would be deemed "disloyal" or "disrespectful" for embracing their fame and their end of the bargain would be flushed into "marketing expenses." Royalties were payable quarterly and, before each quarter ended, I'd get the amounts, totaling into millions of dollars, that were to be dumped into bogus marketing programs to prevent the band from getting a royalty. It was nothing short of malicious. "Fuck those guys, they're not entitled to that money," was his quarterly lament. The royalties, which ranged into hundreds of thousands of dollars, would be calculated and I'd get the amounts I'd need to spend. The last quarter I was there he laid $360,000 of Taking Back Sunday's money on me. I couldn't even find enough places to dump it: television advertising, print ads, sale pricing, endcaps, and then we'd play around with dating to try and make it stick, but sometimes even that didn't purge it all.
In this business people asked you to do unethical and even illegal things all the time. There is a whatever-it-takes attitude to breaking artists; as if we were fighting a war, we did it for the glory. But the things Brummel was asking went against everything me and this miscreant-filled business believed in; these were war crimes. A very small percentage of artists ever get a record deal. Most that do, never even make it to a second album. That very rare artist who has the talent and the drive to get himself to where he sees a royalty is as rare as a four-leaf clover. But when a Victory artist had this grail in his grasp, Tony kicked it away. If "indie" was supposed to be synonymous with integrity, then he'd sold out the entire indie community. He wanted it all to belong to him because that's what Victory Records was about; the brand, and the man behind it should be the lead story. Much like his distant idol Steve Jobs, the focus should be on the company he built and the brand he created. Unfortunately, Brummel was in the business of selling people, and they deferred on his contribution to their research and development as a product.
Victory was a boutique label that cultivated the white, suburban, 14-24 demographic; kids who'd outgrown Britney Spears and N'SYNC. "Emo" was the sound they'd matured into. It was more a matter of being in the right place at the right time, and Victory was trying to be the new Jive Records. Tony believed that with a solid brand, the music would be secondary and he relentlessly promoted the name, even referring to himself as "Tony Victory." The industry bestowed a better nickname, "Victony", because it was all so shameless.
Freud would have had a field day with the way his slogans begged for attention, things like "We Run The Streets," the conflicted "The Best Music, First" and "The 1 Independent Rock Label," a claim the rest of the industry, including Billboard magazine, begged to differ with and was about as significant as "The 1 Midwestern Farm Team." Even the name Victory illuminated his insecurity, along with a bulldog as the company's virile mascot. He never owned a dog; it was something he said came to him in a dream, ironically the same image used by Mack trucks.

"What do you call it when the assassins accuse the assassin?"

Brummel's main form of self-promotion to the industry were his acerbic e-mails. It's his own form of "propaganda," a word he frequently used to describe his promotional efforts. Often he would write an e-mail to the head of a major label, such as Sony/BMG, and then cc or even bcc his own mailing list. He would spam many of the top people in the industry with claims of his greatness, often labeling his achievements "unprecedented," and alluding to a David and Goliath type struggle between the independent label and the major labels. It didn't matter that his label was distributed by a branch of Sony/BMG, or that he didn't even know the person. They represented "corporate mentality," a conscienceless machine, whose sole purpose was greed. He was better than that, he liked to think, the valiant knight, fighting the corporate dragon.
I never bought the whole indie/major argument from him or anyone else. I knew the indie mindset all too well. It was like a pedophile trying to tell a rapist he's less of a criminal because the kids put up less of a fight. We were all peas in the same pod.
The e-mails turned into conversation pieces. "Did you see the e-mail Tony sent? What balls!" People didn't see how they were duped. One of the reasons he was sending the e-mail and bcc'ing the industry was to get himself noticed. It truly was propaganda because the victims responses weren't able to be heard by all the bcc'd shills who would forward the messages to their friends.
What was peculiar about these broadcasts is they were focused on Victory and Tony, not the bands or even the music. The e-mail attacks became so prolific, to 'brummel' became a word:
Brum?mel - [brom-uh l, bruhm-uhl; Ger. brawm -uh l]
–verb (used with object)

1. to bcc someone to display one side of an argument or attack: How do I know? He brummeled me on the e-mail attacking the CEO.

2. to cc someone in order to publicly castigate or embarrass the recipient of the e-mail: Erin got a brummeling she (and the whole company) would never forget for being late with the sales report.

3. to use an obnoxious tone via e-mail and then appear demure when confronted: Bob changed his brummeling tone once the meeting was called and he had to speak face-to-face with his co-workers.

4. to falsly inflate, needlessly repeat, or manipulate data an idea in an effort to look superior: Being a small company, our increases are minor, but let's put it on a spreadsheet and brummel the percentage growth. The big boys can't compete with that.

—Synonyms 1. ambush, attack, assail, harass, molest, to set upon someone forcibly, with hostile intent.

It was probably the only thing he'd be remembered for. I think even he knew he wasn't the next Richard Branon. He was more our own Mark David Karr; he wanted fame, even if it included notoriety, and even if he wasn't worthy of it.

"But out there with these natives, it must be a temptation to be God. Because there's a conflict in every human heart between the rational and the irrational, between good and evil. And good does not always triumph. Sometimes, the dark side overcomes what Lincoln called the better angels of our nature."

Back in February, on the eve of Hawthorne Heights' historic debuts, Brummel was about to achieve the rock star status he once dreamed of. But it was how far he was willing to go that became his legacy.

"Many of you are familiar with the greed driven letters sent out by Mr. Brummel: his manifesto calling rock supporters to arms and virtual declaration of war on hip-hop and Ne-Yo done under the guise of a band message… At the time of the letters we were branded as racists by some, all over a letter we did NOT write, targeting a genre which we have NOTHING against whatsoever."

During their interview at MTV, Hawthorne Heights was asked why they would issue a "manifesto," as it was billed. It called on their legions of a coming war between Rap and Rock. Seemingly out of nowhere, a new artist named Ne-Yo began burning up the singles chart, the projection for first week sales now targeted at 200,000, the exact number Hawthorne Heights was pegged at. The manifesto demanded that real fans of the band go out and buy not one, but two copies of the new album, to ensure that in the end Rock beat out Rap. Where this document was misguided was the intent: Why would a 14-year-old girl care where Hawthorne Heights debuted on a chart? Even more damning was the implication that this was a white-against-black issue.
The first wave of headlines focused on how a band could issue such a poisonous statement. "We didn't write that, our label did," was leader of Hawthorne Heights, Eron Buccarelli's response. The second wave focused on the author of that statement, Tony Brummel. It wasn't the first time he'd been accused of wrongdoing and manipulating the image of his bands for his own aggrandizement.
Months earlier he drew the ire of the estranged Taking Back Sunday by making an unauthorized "tour booklet." The band wanted nothing to do with Tony or Victory, but each night Victory Street Teams would infiltrate the shows and hand out the booklet, which featured Taking Back Sunday on the front.
The band had publicly talked about the abuse they'd suffered, the day and night nagging, the name calling and accusations, racial epithets, the lying, the contracts, the deceptive accounting statements but it still didn't stop fans from being sucked in. Victory defined punk rock, and many kids would support the label's releases based on faith alone.

"You have to have men who are moral, and at the same time, who are able to utilize their primordial instincts to kill without feeling, without passion. Without judgment. Without judgment. Because its judgment that defeats us."

The commitment of these kids created a labor pool to draw them into the Victory street team. A network of kids who would work for free. It was a way to impress their friends and entertain their fantasy of working at a record label. But it was mostly thankless hanging posters and handing out samplers. Vandalizing was practically in their job description. They'd even hit other label's offices when they were in the right town. If they were good, we'd pull then off the streets, give them a van, and put them on salary. From there they might even make it to the home office. "Kids are sheep, we are their shepherds," Tony would say.
Like a Trojan horse, when the Taking Back Sunday tour brochure was opened, the pamphlet hawked the current roster of Victory bands the kids should be buying instead of Taking Back Sunday. The back page featured a full-length picture of Brummel in a disturbing rock star pose, along with a "We are the culture," message from the 37-year old to the kids. Months later he riled the band again with an unauthorized re-issue of their first album with additional material which, the band claimed, along with the unwarranted marketing blitz, was a breach of their settlement. Ironically, this was an album Brummel vindictively refused to certify gold, his first, despite sales far above the 500,000 mark, just to deny the band the satisfaction of the hard earned plaque.

"In a war, there are many moments for compassion and tender action. There are many moments for ruthless action. What is often called ruthless, but may, in many circumstances, be only clarity. Seeing clearly what there is to be done, and doing it directly, quickly, awake."

Articles on Hawthorne Heights' declaration of war started appearing all over the net. They all highlighted one disturbing passage:

"…as well as the "street-team" letter which instructed people to re-arrange our CDs, putting them in higher visibility areas in stores. Unfortunately, the head of street-team, Abby Valentine, who understandably resigned following the incident, took the fall for this."

This haunted me every time I saw it. The infamous street team e-mail that leaked the day the band's new CD came out.
For months Brummel was bragging that Victory would have the 1 album. When that was threatened by Ne-Yo, we came up with an "unprecedented" solution to ensure that rock would beat rap. "We have to do everything we can to fuck with these guys," Brummel said, as we outlined how we were going to use our street teams to attack Ne-Yo. We were about to take "whatever it takes" a step further.
The street team's orders were to go into stores and attack Ne-Yo product:

"As for Ne-yo, the name of the game is to decrease the chances of a sale here. If you were to pick up handful of Ne-yo CDs, as if you were about to buy them, but then changed your mind and didn't bother to put them back in the same place, that would work. Even though this record will be heavily stocked and you might not be able to move all the stock, just relocating a handful creates issues: Even though the store will appear to be out of stock, the computer will see it as in stock and not re-order the title once it sells down and then Ne-Yo will lose a few sales later in the week"

The two-page directive listed detailed instructions on how this operation was to be carried out, listing name brand stores to sabotage: Wal-Mart, K Mart, Target, Best Buy, Coconuts, etc. and how to displace the product without being detected. With 150 street teamers hitting 10 stores a day, moving 10 Ne-Yo CDs over a one week period, we would displace over 100,000 CDs (roughly 20% of the stock Universal laid out there) and cripple Ne-Yo's chances of snatching the 1 slot.

"I am unaware of any such activity or operation, nor would I be disposed to discuss such an operation if it did in fact exist, sir."

The e-mail closed with a quote that some found disturbing:

"Victory at all costs, Victory in spite of all terror, Victory however long and hard the road may be; for without Victory, there is no survival."

Once it hit the net, it took on an ominous tone, being credited to everyone from Brummel to Hitler. But anyone who knew me better knew it was the quote in my e-mail signature. I wrote the infamous street team e-mail. I sent it to Abby. She cut-and-pasted it, inadvertently cutting off the quote's author, Winston Churchill.
That day Tony become angry at Abby for not being specific enough and asked me to step in. Like most employees at Victory, Abby had been an intern, this was her first job. I knew the ins and outs of this end of the business better than anyone. I was also known as an innovator when it came to marketing and promotion tactics. So I wrote up the marching orders, nice and specific, and then showed it to Tony.

From: Tony Brummel
Sent: Monday, February 27, 2006 5:44 PM
To: Ramsey Dean; Abby Valentine
Subject: RE: VST e-mail

THIS IS FINE. IT SHOULD LOOK LIKE IT CAME FROM ABBY.

And that's how it went. In the hours this was in operation, I received reports from street teamers of stores being "de-Ne-yo-ed" and digital pictures of the empty bins came pouring into my inbox.
Then Tony got even more specific:

-----Original Message-----
From: Tony Brummel
Sent: Tuesday, February 28, 2006 7:04 AM
To: PROMO STAFF
Subject: Ne-Yo

Keep in mind that moving Ne-Yo in a white, middle or upper class
neighborhood will have less of an effect than moving Ne-Yo in a more
urban location.

A few hours later, someone on the street team flipped. The e-mail with their mission was all over the net and we were being crucified. Earlier Tony was thumping his chest, hoping to become the new indie poster boy, and come to find out this was how Victory planned to lay claim to being 1.
The worst part was the collateral damage. Since we did it on the floors of the retail outlets who were supposed to be our partners, they were more than pissed off and threats were made as the back-peddle started.
The press was relentless. Indies were supposed to have integrity; that was Brummel's whole shtick. Now Brummel was being called worse things than the majors; industry pundit Bob Lefsetz said he went "from hero to zero" in a matter of seconds. If Bob knew what had been going on all along, he wouldn't even have said that.
Universal was threatening criminal action and we needed a way out. Even worse, we were messing with Island/Def Jam, one of Jay Z's pet projects. Most rappers thought baggy pants and public assistance qualified them as gangsters, but I'd worked with Jay Z protégés the Gotti brothers. Before they formed Murder Inc. they were over at TVT, and they were the real deal. The FBI had been trying to pin everything from drug trafficking to money laundering to shooting 50 Cent on them. And now Tony was on their radar.
His idea was to blame it all on Abby.

From: Tony Brummel
Sent: March 1, 2006 9:57 AM

It has come to our attention a joke e-mail sent to some of our street team members by a junior ranking staff member was posted on the Internet and has created some commotion. First of all, the message was by all means a joke. The day after it was sent this was reiterated to the recipients of said e-mail. Victory as many of you know are the only label that is not on iTunes. We strongly support our friends at music retail day in and day out. Please rest assured that the message was a joke that backfired. Unfortunately it fell into the wrong hands and was anonymously posted on an industry gossip board. From there this joke somehow became a truth and began spreading around cyberspace. It is extremely upsetting to us that someone would go out of their way to cause harm and ignite random and malicious innuendo towards our company. Victory Records supports all artists of all genres on every label at all of your stores in hopes that everyone sells a lot of music. We absolutely want your music section as heavily populated as possible. That is good business for everyone. Thank you for your support.

Nobody believed it and there was another round of Victory bashing. Abby was suddenly a celebrity. People were calling and e-mailing her. She received so many nasty posts on her MySpace page she had to take it down. "He was seriously a total asshole to me about that whole thing. He acted like it really WAS my fault. Didn't say anything like, 'Man I'm sorry this happened,' or anything like that at all. So that Friday I was pretty sure I was gonna quit, but I was going to take the weekend to think about it. Then Tony spent all weekend FORWARDING me hate mail (like I wasn't getting enough of my own). And when I didn't reply to any of it he sent me one of those, 'Let me know when you are out of blackout mode,' emails. And that was it."
She resigned Monday and I couldn't have felt worse. Then I heard the spin, it was just the excuse Tony was looking for: "That person is no longer with the company," was the official line, making it look like we fired her for misconduct and distanced ourselves from any wrongdoing.
But Hawthorne Heights had been irreparably damaged. The band's statement continued:

"Because of these letters, our second album debuted at 3 on the charts, an incredible feat, which would normally be cause for joy, but now is tainted much like Barry Bonds' statistics."

Hawthorne Heights, one of the most promising bands of last year, now saw their career go into an abrupt tailspin. We'd been riding high at Victory Records for so long that we didn't think anything could touch us. I'd crashed and burned more times than I'd like to remember, but Tony Brummel had never known the downside of the rocket ride, let alone worked for someone else in the business.

"…this army of his, that worship the man like a god, and follow every order, however ridiculous."

"I never worked at a label," Brummel liked to say, claiming to have started it with $800 when he was eighteen. He also didn't like people with experience working at his label. The isolation from New York and Los Angeles was intentional. He believed the industry was categorically wrong, and anyone with previous experience, "tainted."
"We need people with malleable minds," he once chillingly told me. Chilling because the only place I remembered that phrase was from Pol Pot; the Khmer Rouge was built on eradicating anyone with ideas, education or contradicting opinions, leaving a population of workers that could be programmed as drones for the state. And that's what I found at Victory; everyone needed to be "working" at all times and casual conversations were strictly prohibited. He would often call people if he saw then talking, demanding to know the reason and why it couldn't have been conducted via e-mail. The no-meetings policy was a big bragging point for Brummel, as if that's all the major labels did; he didn't realize his employees were spending a much larger portion of their day fielding his e-mail interrogations.
I was the exception to the "untainted" policy, a necessary evil. At the time I left, Victory looked like a hot stock; good fundamentals and a nice upward tack. I was known as a person who could accelerate that situation so we were a good match. I was brought in because he needed solid relationships with Best Buy, Target, Wal-Mart and all the other big players. I was brought in to turn the company into the next TVT Records; my former employer was the undisputed 1 independent label, currently enjoying success with Lil' Jon. I resigned after 9 years when I'd had my fill of the mendacity that is the lifeblood of this business. I thought I'd try other things, stayed out two years, but that's where the money was, and like the Godfather, just when I thought that I was out, it pulled me back in.
Tony really wanted me to take it "to the next level," as was so often said in the business. I went to the task at hand, fixing what I could of the jerry-rigged company. There were so many things about it that just didn't make sense, until I found out it was all Brummel's doing. It was as if he read the beginning of a book on how to start a record company and made up the rest. Now with its success, the only yardstick or compass this business used, Victory Records grew into nothing short of The Gospel According To Tony.
Where his model was failing was that with each band's success and defection, the noose tightened around his neck. His uncontrollable antics were career suicide. The horror stories of being signed to Victory circulated endlessly through the small business and even the unsigned bands knew to avoid the label. But there were desperate bands that looked at the success of a Taking Back Sunday and saw it as a last ditch effort, if not to grab the money, at least some degree of fame and the hope that their contract would be bought out. Taking Back Sunday had said they wouldn't record again unless the contract was re-negotiated. An arrangement was made where their contract could be bought out and soon they found a home at Warner Bros. Records, home of alternative holdovers like the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Jane's Addiction. Taking Back Sunday had made it through the Victory meat grinder, been used, abused, ripped off and pissed off. Despite getting over $2 million dollars for the band, Brummel sent a castigating e-mail to the man who wrote the check, Warner Brothers' President, Tom Whalley, calling him an "employee" while Tony was in the vaulted position of "entrepreneur," not only cc'ing many of the top brass at Warner Brothers, but bcc'ing the berating to competing labels. His last words to Jillian Newman, Taking Back Sunday's manager, were "you fat fucking kike!" He was our own Mel Gibson, only he was drunk on his own fluid. A Victory employee once confided to me, "Dude, the level of anti-Semitism in this place is out of hand!" Just another one of the rules in the Victory employee manual Brummel wasn't going to play by.
Even when he was being friendly, there were racial connotations. Employee Brett Greenberg was his "favorite Jew," and Tom Wojick referred to as "Tommy Polock;" they were meant as terms of endearment. Competitors were no exception. John Esposito, President of WEA, was referred to as a "guinea." He referred to Universal President Jim Urie as a "mick." After one heated e-mail exchange (which I was bcc'd on) Brummel quipped, "Real men like to fight, Jim." Later he told me he'd be sending him a bottle of Jamison for further goading.

"After that, his ideas, methods, became… unsound. Unsound."

"John G is a dago cocksucker!" Brummel shouted, loud enough for half the office to hear, as he hung up the phone with Hawthorne Heights' manager, John Germinario. John said the band wasn't happy with the way they were being treated and wanted to set up a meeting. The argument with John was ironically brought on by the upcoming gold record party for the band, and the absence of royalties thus far. The guys were broke and, if this was all they had to show for a gold record, things needed to change.
The gold record party was on a boat called El Presidente; a boat big enough to hold only the staff and the band, no outsiders. Most employees had the life expectancy of a tail gunner, so it wasn't the coming together of those who'd fought long and hard, just those who were around at the time. The boat was an old one, purported to have delivered Eisenhower, MacArthur, Ghandi and a bunch of other dignitaries around their token cruise of the Chicago lakefront. The invite said there would be food and drinks so nobody bothered to eat dinner. There were drinks, but the food amounted to nothing more than a couple of small appetizers. It was a recipe for disaster.
After cruising the dank Chicago river and drinking everything that was on board, we were forced to sit through the aggrandizing moment. Tony presented each member of the band a gold record, and then an envelope. The envelope contained a check for $5,000 - an insult by any standards. The wholesale price of a Hawthorne Heights CD was just over $10.00. Gold certification is for selling 500,000 copies, so in effect they'd earned Victory Records over $5 million dollars. To collectively give the five members of the band $25,000, or a mere .5% of the take, Brummel felt was generous since they were still "in debt" to him.
"He kept complaining to me that the band didn't send him a thank-you for the checks," said John G, "I didn't tell him the band was totally pissed off by it."
At the docks, one of the guys who worked in screen printing took a dare and jumped into Lake Michigan, getting everyone kicked off the boat. We all caught up later at Brummel's favorite bar, a dive called Couch, to keep the party going. The bar was a non-descript dump, but it was crawling distance from Tony's house, which was a 10,000 ft. converted garage on Grand Avenue, one of the city's main arteries. The rumor was he bought a business address so he could list it as a Victory office. As a private business owner making a profit, he needed expenses or the money would just go to the tax man. We'd had a party at Couch a few weeks earlier when the Warped tour came through town. Atreyu stopped by for an angry moment (knowing their time would be done soon), along with Hawthorne Heights. Brummel, in classic form, was the last one standing in the wee hours as the bartender went for last call. Tony brought up the idea of a fake bachelor party at his house, where we'd invite over hookers and he'd be the guest of honor. His wife, Delphine, was out of town, it was an easy play. That he brought this up in front of the girls in the office wasn't even exceptional. A few days earlier he called out Jillian Newman as incompetent merely for being a woman right in front of Heather West, Director of Publicity, and Stephanie Marlow, Director of Promotion. I'd seen the kind of hookers he ordered, too. Cabrini Green girls that looked like he was shopping quantity over quality. We held a party at the office with the band Action Action, another case where it was closing time and we kept going. The four women looked older and tougher than all of us; tattoos on their necks, stretch marks on their guts and a lifetime of smoke on their breath. When we wouldn't touch the merchandise, Tony became incensed. "You guys are pussies! Am I the only one here who's a real man? Ramsey, you're a Vice President, you should be a leader on this!" Still with no takers he tore off his shirt. "I'll take them all." They closed in on him, and he led them back to his office to get his money's worth. I was with John G, who was working with Action Action at the time. When we were about half a block away from the building we heard the fire escape burst open. "They stole my money!" A half-dressed Brummel staggered down the fire escape. They'd gotten into his pants in more ways than one, and lifted $2,000.






The morning after the Hawthorne Heights gold record party John and Tony met. "He seemed perfectly normal in the meeting, and then schizophrenically blew up at me outside his office." This was classic Brummel: He needed an audience, and walked John to a point in the hall where everyone could hear: "I'll kill you, motherfucker!" he shouted, "I'll bury you in the street! Right now, man! Come on, let's go, do you want to fight me?" He caught the attention of everyone. John held a reputation as a class act. Friend to all and enemy to none, so much that he only did handshake deals. "Hit me, motherfucker! Hit me!" Brummel begged, turning flush red and pointed to his chin, but we all knew it was nothing more than drama. He offered it because he knew John wouldn't stoop to his level. John shook his head in disgust, turned and walked out.
When the band found out what was said in the meeting, Brummel was again made the fool, confiding in John that drummer and founder of the band, Eron Bucarelli's, wife was a "gold digger" and calling Eron a "poison" that should be kicked out of the band, a claim that constituted tortuous interference for which he would later be held liable.

"These are all his children, man, as far as you can see. Hell, man, out here, we are all his children."

Talking smack about someone might be overlooked, but putting down someone's wife was unforgivable. Weeks later, when Victory's Never Sleep Again tour came to the House of Blues, Brummel noticeably avoided his headliner. Eron sent him an ominous note the following day: "I'm disappointed that we did not see one another… You crossed a line and I'm extremely upset by that…"
It wasn't the first time one of his bands threatened a beating. After a perceived disloyalty by Atreyu frontman Alex Varkatzas, Brummel tried to talk the much-smaller opening band on their tour, Scars of Tomorrow, into giving Varkatzas an attitude adjustment in exchange for preferential treatment. Instead the band, which was brought to the label by Varkatzas, told him of the plot. He fired off an e-mail to the office, telling Brummel what he thought of him and Victory, more than happy to settle the score man-to-man. The e-mail leaked to the industry and Victory was again the subject of widespread ridicule.
Brummel forwarded Eron's e-mail to singer JT Woodruff and guitar player Casey Calvert, apparently seeking to divide the band and playing himself as the victim to his bcc'd audience.

From: Tony Brummel
Sent: Monday, December 12, 2005 9:15 AM
To: JT Woodruff
cc: Casey Calvert
Subject: FW: Missed you

…I now believe that he (John G) recorded that "meeting" we had a couple of weeks ago which, of course, is illegal. I had a feeling that this was happening as he did not take his jacket off and was extremely nervous. We will look into this further. We now know that he is not someone that we can trust. Because of this, I will have to put a moratorium on communication with him. I do not have time for this counterproductive and juvenile nonsense. ..It is truly a shame…It is mind boggling when artists attack and dismantle the very things that got them where they are… Eron's e-mail makes me physically sick.

The obvious flaw in his logic was that if he suspected John G of recording the meeting, he wouldn't have threatened him with physical violence, which constituted menacing and/or harassment, where a criminal conviction could have been easily obtained, and which still held a great liability for Brummel since there were no less than six witnesses to the display.

"The charges are unjustified. They are, in fact, and under the circumstances of this conflict, quite completely insane."

In August, Hawthorne Heights made their biggest headlines, filing a lawsuit against Victory Records that could genuinely be called "unprecedented." Everything from the docket to the deal memo was up online. It listed Brummel's unethical conduct, and the damage it caused to their career. The suit not only claims the contract, which Brummel wrote himself, as invalid, but that his threats of physical violence to a radio station programmer and their manager John Germinario turned what was once a promising partnership into a gross liability.
But their case was already won in the eyes of music industry just by stepping forward and putting it all on the line. This is the sort of honesty fans love to see. The Real Manifesto, as they billed their statement, went directly to over 500,000 fans; the new paradigm of the internet. It was a bunker buster Brummel didn't see coming. He thought he'd be able to control the press with his ad dollars but only tired industry rag HITS, refused to cover the story. A bunch of middle-aged men wouldn't decide the fate of Victory Records, the kids would. Tony Brummel always wanted to be famous, wanted to be a rock star and now he was about as relevant as Kip Winger. The kids who had rejected him as an artist were now rejecting him yet again for his crimes against art. Hawthorne Heights turned him into the Goliath he once rallied against and beaten him at his own game. They'd stripped him of his scepter of integrity and turned themselves into the next Pearl Jam in one deft move, becoming not only heroes to their fans, but to every musician in a band who'd ever been screwed. It was more than the fame they'd already gained, which Brummel had been chasing with this whole endeavor; they managed to attain the one thing that would forever elude him: r-e-s-p-e-c-t. Not bad for a bunch of kids from Ohio.
The kids were shouting "Burn, Victory, burn!" on MySpace. But it was more a call to burn a Victory band over buying the CD: either way, it seemed, the band wasn't getting anything so who was the thief? It was as if the whole industry was outed; for all they had done to educate fans that stealing music was wrong, it appeared the labels were the real thieves. The naiveté I felt in my guilt at selling promos had been lifted years ago once I saw how the game was played. Now these kids had their eyes opened to the scam. There was no indie and there was no major. There was just corporatism as usual, with the fans and the bands as the exploited.

"I am unconcerned. I am beyond their timid, lying morality, and so I am beyond caring."

Victory would always be an open book; running on charts and numbers, it's easy to spot strength and weakness. And when you're selling people, musicians, who are in the business of writing how they feel, the truth will never be far off. In hindsight, Brummel might have fared better with stuffed animals instead of bands. They'd weather the abuse, and maybe do a better job of filling what was really missing in his life.
Brummel liked to brag that he'd never been to court, his implication being that he'd never done anything wrong. He'd actually been filed against many times but, as he'd also said to me more than once, "I always settle, it's cheaper." The real reason was there were too many people out there to testify against him. He couldn't even show up in court for fear of what would be put on the public record. Settlements were just a way to avoid the truth. The lawyers coming after him now knew this, and they'd probably drag him the distance on principle.
Hawthorne Heights, Taking Back Sunday and Atreyu didn't just want their money, they wanted retribution. And they aren't alone. Surrounded by three bands, supported by his brooding ex-employees, Victory was set to burn like Berlin. It was an attack on multiple fronts even his high priced advisors couldn't repel. Even if he managed a settlement, it was too late; Tony would go down in history as the bad guy but somehow I think the ruler in hell option might have been part of his plan.
I'd be a key witness. Much of their claims hinged on my testimony about their missing royalties. The other gravedigger was Marion Williams. She was another former intern Brummel programmed. He put her through school to get her an accounting degree; with only Tony and her education for guidance, she would be the perfect patsy. But there was one other guide Brummel didn't count on when subpoena time came: Marion was a devout Christian. She'd have to choose her true God when she put her hand on the Bible.

"Horror and moral terror are your friends. If they are not, then they are enemies to be feared. They are truly enemies."

Things weren't going to change. Days after I left the company I got a call from John G. Tony was in the hospital. There was a company outing to Wrestlemania, where some employees, along with the band Aiden, whom John also managed, racked up a thousand-dollar bar tab in a sky box, and then (surprise, surprise) went back to Tony's place for a fake bachelor party. Not even the band, who where notorious for their sexcapades, would touch the low-budget girls. Brummel castigated the band, grabbed the girls and disappeared into his bedroom. The following day he called in sick for work. When he showed up later (without a doctor's note) he asked one of the employees to drive him to the hospital, where he spent the next two days. Tony has a bad heart, and apparently the strain of the all-night binge put him over the edge.
I ran into one of the employees on the street a few days later. Brummel sent a paranoid e-mail from the hospital: he knew people were slacking off just because he was out and there'd be hell to pay when he got back. Weeks later I heard from someone else he was installing surveillance cameras: not to protect the employees, but to keep an eye on them. I'd already seen the Orwellian computer program he used that cycled through every computer in the office, delivering a snapshot of the screen to see what people were up to. Now he wouldn't even need to move to see if people were at their desks.
A corporation is defined as a business entity with all the rights of a human. Brummel, in his quest for the ultimate corporation, became that business entity. He'd crossed over to become a dark alien life form created by business men. He'd ankled his humanity, holed up in his office, and uploaded himself into his Blackberry, and now only sought to satisfy his insatiable inner shareholder. Singular compared to the collective mentality of the major labels, there was something ironically fascist about the independent world, and in Tony Brummel I saw something much more sinister. I had come face-to-face with The Horror; not a dark and powerful entity, but a human who had hollowed out his own humanity to satisfy his own lust for power. I always dreamed of the big score in this business, we all did. But with the morphing morality, the conflict of human emotion against corporate emotion, I'd seen what side that one common emotion – greed - favored. I wanted nothing more to do with it. His horror, if it really was his own, wasn't a horror that inspired fear, but rather repugnance. It was the worst traits we all possess, growing unfettered by any trace of conscious or moral code. Like a mutation, I saw him more as a medical oddity, a nightmare in evolution where our very humanity would be self-extinguished as we fought for survival in the monetized world we created.
Before the Hawthorne Heights album came out, there was an e-mail that Brummel must have sent 30 times to the staff, night and day, even while he was vacationing in the Bahamas, about the coming "David versus Goliath" showdown the first week. He was obviously impressed with himself for writing it and it came sometimes multiple times each day. He'd change the title and trick us into opening it and reading the sermon again:

What we do is REAL. What we say is REAL. A lot of the things that happen and even things that I say might not be sexy but it is REALITY. Reality is not debatable. Reality is not sexy. Facts are facts. This is it you guys.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Darn My Enthusiasm

I seem to have sprained my foot while working out, which apparently happens to people who have been basically immobile ever since the release of Netscape and then decide to do jumping jacks. I wonder what other weird ailments will befall me in my quest for health. Will the lack of drinking cause my liver to grow wings and flit around my ribcage like a happy wren? Will the lack of pot make my brain hurt, what with all the things it's suddenly able to remember for more than 30 seconds at a time? Will I lift a weight too hard and sprain my balls?

Oh, probably. But then I have to consider how much less I'm hating the way I look, how my cheekbones are growing and my dewlap shrinking, how my upper torso is well on its way to becoming wider than my lower torso instead of the other way around, and it all suddenly seems worth the icepacks.

Now, if I could just find a fucking job...

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Sunday, August 12, 2007

Who Minds The Store? I MIND

I didn't exercise this morning -- I had an urgent need to go see "Stardust", alone, and then drive home weeping -- so I thought I'd get my heartrate up by watching the entire Comedy Store open mic. I call it the Calisthenics of Hate. I reached my target rate almost instantly. All but two of the 15 comics on the list ate it, and ate it hard, myself included. I told what I had thought, up to that point, was a fairly funny story, and ended up feeling like I was lucky not to get stoned to death.

When I'm feeling down, I like to go to the Comedy Store, so I can remember what "down" REALLY feels like. To put it another way, I go to the Comedy Store so I can remember why I never go to the Comedy Store.

This is not to say I haven't had good sets there, but it is NOT the place to try out new material, or smart material, or, for some people, any material at all. There are comics working there whose entire employment is contingent upon their ability to observe which races various audience members belong to, and to then comment on attributes of said race. I was simply not in that place tonight, and the price, she was dear.

Later tonight I'll be at the IO West if anyone wants to give me a hug. Or hit me with a rock.

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Thursday, August 09, 2007

Fun Hurts

I was at a swimming pool for an hour and a half today and managed to get a sunburn and a charlie horse. My left leg still doesn't work right and my shoulders are the color of a lobster who has had an accident.

I am out of practice at this whole "summer" thing.

I was an expert at summer, once upon a time. I would swim in pools and ride bikes and skip rocks and chase fireflies and burn ants with a magnifying glass and, of course, read books alone in my room. Now what do I do? Sit around scrounging the internet for various media I will never have the time or inclination to watch, read or listen to. I can't even indulge in that traditional adult summertime activity, excessive drinking; not unless I want to be a huge fat man who wants to die.

I need to remember how to do summer stuff without hurting myself. If I tried to chase fireflies now, I'd probably try to eat them, or something. Give myself the ol' "neon mustache". I'd attempt to burn ants with a magnifying glass, but first hold up the glass over my own head to check if it's working and then set my own hair on fire, jump in the pool to put it out, but I jump in the shallow end and snap my spine like a cheap comb. I can probably still ride a bike, in an emergency, but not uphill, or downhill, or on uneven ground, or anywhere where I might fall on cement. Maybe the Bonneville Salt Flats? But then I would have to remember to put sunscreen on, which, as today's adventure illustrates, is not one of my strong points.

I do this to myself every summer. I wonder if I actually LIKE being sunburned. Wouldn't that be a weird fetish? Strange subculture of white people roasting themselves alive and then having tentative, whimpery sex. All the magazines would look like they hadn't been color-balanced properly. "Are the red levels too high?" "No, these goofy crackers look like that on their own." "Why do they run the world, again?" "I...I don't know."

What if you had a sunburn fetish, but you were also a furry? Would you go and lay out by the pool in only a g-string and no sunscreen on, but wearing a huge fluffy lemur mask? How long would it take for a webring to grow up around such behavior? (If this is already an existing fetish combo, please don't tell me.)

I'm pretty sure the only part of sunburn I enjoy is the peelin'. And the biopsies.

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Wednesday, August 08, 2007

No Try

I stopped cohosting Name of Show because I felt like my onstage banter mojo had withered away. Current host Ed Salazar assured me I just needed to relax and not think about what I was doing, and comedy would flow more freely from me.

Luke Skywalker lifted rocks while he was thinking about something else. Buddhist monks punch holes in brick damn walls while they meditate upon a lotus or whatever.

It seems like the same basic strategy of emptying out your mind can help you to do anything (even use The Force. FUCK YOU, IT'S REAL).

Our brains aren't thinking machines. They are DOING machines. We've been using them wrong. Maybe if we use them right, we can do anything before we think of a reason not to.

I'm gonna go move some rocks.

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Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Y'all Just Don't Get Me, That's Y'all's Problem

Last night I tried out my "racist nerd" bit at the first place I ever did standup: a mixed (but mostly spoken-word poetry) open mic called Green, over in Culver City. You should check it out. But don't bring your fake-racist alt-comedy, because they don't exactly know what to make of that in the poetry community. I'm pretty sure I was being heckled, but in low tones, because poets are respectful, up to a point.

I forgot to do the "Jawas control the media line". Yeah, that was my mistake. That one would have won them over.

The first time I did comedy at Green, I did the most racist joke I have ever done or ever will do. I am not really funny enough to pull such material off...YET. Look out.

Unrelated: I just finished my first week of exercising every morning! And I didn't even hate it! Now I just have to find out what the hell I should be eating, and my body should be well on the way to working properly again. It's hard to fuel calisthenics with fries.

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Monday, August 06, 2007

Jediliverance

Are there racist nerds? Like, rednecks in the middle of nowhere with no education or humanity to speak of, but somehow they've got a Netflix subscription and a whole box of Golden Age comics, from back when every German was a Kraut and all Asian characters had skin the color of school buses. Nerds coming up with wholly new variations on racial slurs:

"'Nother roadside bomb! Goddamn cowards. Whaddaya expect from a bunch of Sand Ewoks?"

"The Jawas control the media and the banks!"

"You call 'em drag queens, I call 'em Deceptifags!"

"The South shall rise again! Just like the Fremen of Arrakis...Dune...Dixie planet."

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How To Tell If You Are Becoming A "Foodie"

You make a sandwich that could be reasonably described as containing "shaved Gruyere".

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Sunday, August 05, 2007

This Job Doesn’t Suck Because I Hate It; I Hate This Job Because It Sucks

[The following is Doug Stanhope's take on psychiatric medication and its typical uses. I listened to this, and suddenly realized I had been thinking about my work-related panic attacks as MY problem, instead of a problem with the horrible brain-cell-killing work I had been doing. Everyone I've told about my last two jobs and the way I panicked my way out of them has said "well, of course you had panic attacks, you were doing data entry eight hours a day, IDIOT." I think my next job will be working with kittens or something. And now, Doug:]

They [the people in charge of drug legalization] don't give a fuck about your health, your well-being; they just care if you're kickin' out boxes at the factory. And that's why they legalize all this fuckin' Prozac Zolofty shit, but all the shit that would make you look through the nonsense, oh, we can't have that!

"I have a job where I alphabetize insurance forms 45 hours a week, and I noticed I couldn't concentrate so well on my job. So my doctor put me on Adderall, and now I just breeze through my workday. I don't even notice that my empty life is being pissed away underneath fluorescent tubes, I have no good stories, I'm probably the most boring person I know, but I'm gettin' so much done! I just go A B C D E F G H I L M N O bladdle-addle blah blah blah."

You don't try to cure that! You're not concentrating on that because it's fuckin' boring! And you die at the end. You should put more time into how you're enjoying your day.

Saturday, August 04, 2007

Beware Of All Enterprises Which Require New Clothes

I think my least favorite thing about my latest exercise kick is how I keep wondering if I should buy stuff to strengthen my exercise infrastructure. Do I need special exercise clothes, perhaps a pair of loose shorts with wires in them that zap my balls when my heart rate drops below target? Do I need a fanny pack to keep my keys in so they don't jangle along as I run and wear a hole in my thigh? Would it be better to keep my iPod in the fanny pack, or buy an armband to hold it? Will all that running mess with my iPod's moving parts? Should I buy a Shuffle or a Nano so that I won't run the risk of scratching a hard drive with my spastic flailings? Am I eating right before/after exercising? Do I need to start purchasing special drinks/powders/fruits/blenders/food processors/cooking lessons/acting lessons/headshots/makeup/blargedy blarg blarg bloo? HOW MUCH DO I HAVE TO BUY BEFORE I'M A WORKING PERSON???

The preceding paragraph is a great illustration of how the least, most minor thought in my head can snowball down the demonic slopes of my mountainous inferiority complex, gathering neuroses and fears and insecurities until it blots out the sun, slams into me, and makes me abandon my plans for the day and go back to bed.

I'll probably end up buying one or two of the least expensive items I just mentioned, because part of my Mighty Working right now is the reversal of old and dumb habits. One of my dumbest habits is pretending to be fiscally responsible in order to get out of doing things I don't feel like doing or am afraid of doing.

"I want to exercise, really I do, but look at all the stuff I'll have to buy to make it work for me and get into the habit! I just can't afford it right now. Now please excuse me, I have to go pay $7 to eat at Wendy's every night for the next year."

Hey, me: here's a little experiment I hope you and I will try. How about we spend money on useful things, and invoke fiscal responsibility to prevent ourselves from buying solid gold towels and meals made of fructose and hog puke? Sincerely, me.

I hope I figure out this whole life thing before I die. I suppose, if I stop eating at Wendy's, that gives me more time.

Friday, August 03, 2007

I'm Just A Paul Who Can't Say No

Within the last year, I've discovered that weed and alcohol make me horribly depressed. Not while I'm consuming them, of course. While I'm drinking or smoking, bluebirds sing, the sun shines, my car insurance pays itself, George Lucas formally and publicly apologizes for everything he's done from "Willow" onward, you get the idea. It's only the following day, or several days, after the imbibing, that I feel like the best thing I could do right now would be to walk under a speeding bus.

Two very different feelings, one deceptively awesome, one to definitely avoid. Guess which feeling I remember clearly several weeks later, at a gathering that has booze in it. That's right! Line 'em up, barkeep, and sharpen my sword! I hear there's a dragon in these parts and I'M-A CHASE IT!!!

My sense of self-preservation has been pickled in beer and smokehoused in ganja for the last ten years. It's like a little piece of mental jerky at this point, like the preserved bog bodies of Northern Europe, shrunken and leathery and coarse, and you can sorta see what it used to look like if you squint real hard.

Here's the number one super-double-retarded reason why I'm having a hard time stopping the smoking and the drinking; both activities impair memory! The more I do it, the more I forget how stupid it is. It's like God wants me to be miserable and high.

Reason number two: I do standup comedy and hang out with standup comedians. Almost everyone I know is a high-functioning alcoholic. I look at them and think "Wow, they drink and smoke every night and still go out and do stuff and earn a living and enjoy life. Why can't I do that?" For the same reason Stephen Hawking can't do a layup, dumbass. It's in your genes. Don't do it. I think that to myself, and then a few weeks go by, and I think "Maybe THIS time"...but no. I once heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I think that sounds more like the definition of being a fucking idiot, which is what I am when it comes to the major intoxicants.

More than almost anything else in my life, the fact that I cannot get fucked up AND lead a productive life makes me want to lie on the floor pounding my fists and screaming "it's not fair". And of course life isn't fair, and of course me pointing it out won't change anything, and so I'm back where I started: leading a life that I only find bearable, for short periods of time, under the influence of powerful chemicals. But pot and alcohol are out. Is heroin expensive? Just kidding, it makes you nod out, and I already sleep too much.

Maybe I could get addicted to butter. I wouldn't mind weighing 400 pounds if I was at least happy once in a while, and there's no risk of imprisonment.

I mention all this because I'm going to a barbecue tonight where there's going to be free beer, and I'm trying to get myself psyched up to not have any. We'll see how that goes.

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Thursday, August 02, 2007

The Breeze Feels Good

As part of my ongoing effort to grow up, I have purchased cargo shorts.

Many are the middle-aged and post-middle-aged men wandering the urban dumbscape of L.A., clad in the most ironic of T-shirt and the most cargo of short. If I am to have a hope in hell of joining polite society, I have no choice but to wear the uniform.

So many older people are now wearing younger-people clothes that the distinction between the generations is becoming irrelevant, but try telling that to the cops who arrested me outside that junior high school last spring. She looked 18, and so did I! No foul, I say.

Gross! Enough of that. Back to my pants. I have two pairs of shorts now. I resisted shorts for a long time, since my shins are simultaneously the hairiest AND the palest parts of my body. They peer out from the apertures of shorts like twin monstrosities out of a Lovecraft story, hairy slug-mammals that dwell eyeless in eldritch caverns and shun the light of day. I did not want to inflict them on all of you, but global warming has placed this bullet twixt my teeth, and down it is time to bite. It's too damn hot in SoCal for jeans, and I want to be able to go for a walk without steeping in my own sweat-vapors from the waist down.

My shorts have many pockets. That sounds like something Fu Manchu would say if he was a skater. But it's true. A preliminary count indicates TEN pockets, the four "traditional" pockets where one keeps manly things like wallets and gin, and six "wild card" pockets, which are presumably for the storage of PDAs and Gogurt and the like. Four of them are so small they might as well be change purses. Perhaps I will fill them with coin in order to weigh them down and keep stray breezes from the subway vent from blowing them up around my waist.

I used to obtain shorts, not by buying them, but by waiting until my pants developed rips in the knees that were severe enough to warrant amputation. The problem with that approach is that pants rarely rip exactly where you want them to. Some were too short and had to be discarded unless I wanted to look like a gay '70s jogger. Some were too long and essentially combined manpris with cutoffs, a look that says "Hello, world! Punch me in the face!" especially when combined with black socks. I was also in the habit of buying most of my clothes from thrift stores, where most of the shorts for sale were stripped from the corpses of transsexual prostitutes, dunked in bleach to wash off the AIDS, and slapped on the rack still dripping. So shorts were not a viable option for a while.

But now things are different. Now I know my sizes, and that I am an "autumn". I know where real stores are and I buy things from them. Recognizing a barely important need, and making a purchase to fill it: what better way to tell that I Am A Man In America?

Get ready, world. Get ready for my calves.

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Wednesday, August 01, 2007

That's "Encyclopedia African-American" To You

I used to read the Encyclopedia Brown books a lot when I was a kid. If you've never read them, here's what happened in every story: some kind of pansy-ass "Dennis the Menace"-level crime is committed, and is then investigated by Encyclopedia Brown, the most self-satisfied child in all of literature. He interviews all parties involved and reaches a conclusion, but does not reveal how he deduced the truth: the stories usually end with the question "How did Encyclopedia know?" and the answer is in a numbered index in the back of the book.

First of all, I think it's weird that the answer is never given in the story. For all we know, Brown never reveals ANY of his deductive leaps to his friends and family, preferring to bask in his reputation as a godlike oracle, perhaps gathering followers and child brides. From time to time, malefactors are brought before him, to wither beneath the merciless Sahara sun of his mystery-solving overmind, to have their crimes revealed to all, and to beg forgiveness. All of Idaville is known to him; he marks the fall of the tiniest sparrow e'en as he sees into the heart of his foulest nemesis, Bugs Meany.

Or maybe he just strings everyone along for a couple minutes and then gushes, "Okay, okay, I'll tell you. I'm so amazed I figured this out! I am so AWESOME."

Now, that's a problem I just realized I had with the books, but there's another problem that I've had with them ever since I first read them: they aren't so much designed to train the deductive mind as to impart utterly useless facts. Encyclopedia frequently solves mysteries because of some random bullshit he happens to know because he was reading books when all the other neighborhood kids were playing doctor or stealing Luckies from the Five and Dime or drinking malts or what the hell ever.

A typical solution to an E-brizzle mystery would be something like "Bugs's dog couldn't have been enraged by Sally's red shirt, since as everyone knows, dogs are colorblind!" Um, no, Encyclopedia, everyone DOESN'T know that, you weird little fruit. Well, I know it now, but now it's too late, isn't it? I have just encountered the only situation in my entire life to come in which it will be useful for me to know that dogs are colorblind, i.e., reading an Encyclopedia Brown book in which that fact is the fact that solves the mystery. Now that the mystery is over, and shall never be fun to read again, I still have this goddamn fact in my head, a little patch of brain cells with "dogs are colorblind!" written on it in jittery crayon, taking up space that could be used for the quadratic formula, or my home address. Thanks a load, Donald J. Sobol, if that is your real name, which it probably is, since no one in their right mind would think that was a good pen name, so forgive me for lashing out like that!

He's been writing these books since 1963. I wonder if very early versions of the stories were just crazily racist:

"Mr. Hirschbaum couldn't have lent Bugs that money; he would know that Bugs would never pay him back, and as a Jew, he's naturally too concerned with his finances to let that happen!"

"Whoever stole the pie, it wasn't a wop!"

"Sure, Wilford could have won the carnival prizes...if black people were capable of holding down honest jobs! Nice try, Wilford."


Now I'm going to get a haircut. I hope I've given you all a lot to think about.

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