Cracked.com Ranks The Top 5 Numbers!

Sure, we've all seen numbers, dancing merrily down columns on our pay stubs, marching sternly around a clock face, even tattooed on the arm of a convicted felon next to a crude blue-green rendering of a stripper with a fire hydrant lodged in her chest. We know some of them are bigger than others and some are smaller, but how do they REALLY stack up? What are the best of the best, the most integral of the integrals, the true victors of the Battle Numerale?

Wonder no more, and behold: our list of the Top 5 Numbers!

#5: 9 (up 25 places from last year)

Sharp, loud, in-your-face and on point, 9 is this year's 11. Coming up the list fast from its #30 position last year, it's the biggest single-digit badass this side of the decimal point. Look for it at the ends of prices and the beginnings of sex-chat pay-per-call telephone numbers all over the country.

#4: 23 (up 19 places)

Some would call 23 a flash in the pan, but those people are pussy-ass pan-flashers! Sure, Jim Carrey's choice of 23 as a costar of his latest attempt to crowbar his career up off the canvas didn't hurt its prospects for this year's rankings, but 23 is no overnight success; it's got a long and storied history of being a number that my friends Tim and Sean were obsessed with for a little while, mainly because they kept falling in lust with UCLA Theatre School grad students who happened to be that age. Also, each disc of the Magnetic Fields' "69 Love Songs" 3-CD set has 23 songs! You can't ask for better indie cred than that, and 23 doesn't have to ask. IT TAKES.

#3: 4 (down one place)

4's cachet was diminished this year after Christopher Hitchens referred to it as "fat and gay" in Vanity Fair's popular numerology column, but it's not down for the count yet: its continuing popularity in the Midwest and ongoing usefulness to the international parallelogram manufacturing industry will secure it a place in the countdown for a long time to come.

#2: 2 (no change)

What's more dependable than 2? Not even a whole Volvo full of St. Bernards with barrels of Jack Daniels' Old Dependable 500 Proof Assmaster Corn Liqueur around their necks. 2 is there for you. It was there for me, last night, when I was wondering how many delicious steaks to eat. It'll be there for you when you're wondering how many days the weekend is. And it'll be here, on our list, again. Forever.

#1: Oprah Winfrey (first time ranked)

To all those who've been saying "Oprah's not a number!" for the past year, allow us to drag you kicking and screaming into the 21st Century. Oprah's wealth and stereotypical-Jew-like power over the media make her a mathematical force to be reckoned with. The ramifying infinity of pure numbers is warped and twisted by her mighty will. Soon all self-help books will be sold at the same price: $Oprah.99. You will measure sugar into your pastry recipes one Oprahspoon at a time. And Earth will be the Oprahth planet from the sun. Get on the bus now, motherfuckers! It pulls out of the station at precisely Oprah:30!

Remember When This Was A Thing That I Did?

Centuries from now, when the first great History Of The Blog is written, a chapter will no doubt be devoted to the ancient tradition of dropping one's blog like a full airsickness bag, only to pick it up again months later and feel all awkward about one's absence.

I can only attribute my lack of posting to a deep and insidious feeling that nothing I had to say was anything that anyone would want to read. That, and a healthy dose of what I like to call "that ol' Sylvia Plath feeling", the feeling that no matter what I did I would have to do it again and oh lordy what's the point of anything, have kept me from blogging, or indeed doing much of anything else, for months now.

Simply put, nothing much has happened to me, until this past week. This past week, I had the best comedy set I've ever had, quit my job, and am currently minus one (1) girlfriend.

And wouldn't you know; it's all too damn much to blog about! I'd rather just lie down. Which I will tomorrow, with luck: I'm going in to start therapy. It's the initial "tell us the story of your life" interview process, so it'll take a while, and I hope they have one of those couches that you see in the Far Side cartoons. And maybe an airsickness bag.

See you on the other side, I guess?